Its Yours

Written on April 19th 2015. Applies to December 30th 2016

In the past few days, weeks, and months I have been pressed into a space that is uncomfortable. A space that has stirred my atmosphere and left me to swirl slowly into a whirlwind. A space where I am confused  at where I should be going and how I should get there. A space that has slowly uncovered what God desires for me to do: Trust Him with my life.

As I look back on my journey I see the same patterns of my life marked by different days and weeks. A familiar routine that Ive etched in my life:

Placing what I desire to give to God at his feet and carrying the items near and dear to my heart in my own hands. Allowing those items to rest in His hands for quick moments, until my hands crave for the touch and feel of that "thing". A urge that I can but don't resist.

I've written "Its Yours" with pencil in areas that I still desire to control. Areas that I shamefully admit I don't think God can handle. A God who spoke and the Heavens and the Earth were created (Psalm 33:6-9). A God who can do immeasurably more than I can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). But yet my hands still reach for a pencil and begin to erase "Its Yours" and scribble "Its Mine".

But now Ive rubbed a hole in the place where I intended to scribble "Its mine" once again. There's no space for my selfish desires. No place to hold firmly what I yearn to control if I trust God with my life. I've come to the end, and peering through the hole Ive created I know God is on the other side. Waiting, with his arms opened wide to embrace me and take me on a journey I could never plan on my own.

But as I peer through that hole, I feel lost. I've written "Its mine" for so long that I am confused at how to permanently write "Its Yours". I'm confused at how I give over everything: my desires, my goals, my life. What does that look like? What does a surrendered life in Christ look like?

My eyes pull in fear as it tries to focus on the reality of a surrendered life in Christ.

Trust.
Surrender.
His will.

3 lines that erase the trust I have in my flesh, the control that I grab tightly, and the plans Ive created for my life.

I lose it all.

And that is what grips me. Losing it all. Losing my dreams and my desires for his sake. But his word says that He is for me (Psalm 56:9). He is good and won't withhold any good thing from me (Psalm 84:11). My future is bright in him. (Proverbs 4:18).

I tremble at this thought of losing it all. At the thought of handing God over every piece of my life. Pieces that my spirit knows he will create into something radiant that will forever blow me away. Pieces that will resemble my heart's desires because God knows the depths of my soul and he placed those desires within me.

But yet I still tremble; I still stand before God crying because I desperately want what I want and my flesh screams that He won't provide. My flesh screams that it will take years if I wait on God. It won't be exactly how I want it.

But God.

I don't know what my future holds nor the path I will take to get there.

But God.

I don't know the intricate details of a surrendered life in Christ.

But God.

I'll have to lose it all.

But God is who I will gain.

Through the struggles, through my surrender, through my desperate attempts to take it all back my God will be there. To whisper in my ear that He is greater. He will comfort, guide, rebuke, and reconcile me.  And that's all I need is him.


Luke 5: 4-11
"And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, 'Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.' 5 And Simon answered, 'Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word i will let down the nets." 6 And when they had done this they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. 7 They signaled to their partners int he other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boast, so that they begin to sink. 8 But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, 'Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.' 9 For he and all who were with hoim were astonished at the catch of fish that they fas taken, 10 and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, 'Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.' 11 And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him."