Direction

This is a mass of jumbled thoughts that I poured out some weeks ago. Hope that it in someway helps you.

“I may not know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”  This quote by Carl Sanderburg describes me perfectly. I have no idea where I’m going in life, but I’m moving forward. I don’t like that though. I don’t like the idea that I am wondering aimlessly across my life. With no sense of direction, no direct goals, and just placing myself in situations as they come up. I don’t want to be one of those people who is lost in a whirlwind of decisions, and so caught up in life that I lose myself. You know the type right, so involved in living the “American Dream’ that they lose sight of their dreams and goals. Too scared to take a risk… scared to lose the freedom that comes along with wandering.

 It’s like I haven’t identified what it is that I want, because I’m being flung to & fro in a pinball machine of others dreams, accomplishments, and goals. I’ve yet to settle into my life, settle into what I want to become. It’s nauseating. It’s scary, what if I never make it?  What if I morph into the people around me, absorbing their dreams, accomplishments, and goals? Never being bold enough to step out into what I desire to accomplish, or set goals that will lead me into the direction that I want to go. Maybe that’s just it. I don’t know where I want to go. I’m at a crossroads faced with many roads that seem pleasing to me, and I’m trying to go down all of them at once. Lugging all the baggage for each trip on my shoulders, and never analyzing which route(s) I should take first, combine, or eliminate.

I want to further my education, I want to succeed in my career, and I most definitely want to advance the kingdom through the ministries God has planted in my head. Can I do it all at once without giving something up: Probably not. And that’s what worries me.

Priorities...Balance…Words that I vaguely know keep flooding my head.  I’m the girl juggling ten things, but maybe only a couple successfully. Gosh, how do people live? How do we get through this web we weave of goals & desires, without getting stuck on something that glimmered in the rain. Is it a straight shot, where I will check off my goals one by one, or will I find that life will take me on a journey that I haven’t planned? Where I’ll seem like a disorganized person from close up, but from afar I’ll be full steam ahead…tackling goals, desires, and dreams as they make themselves evident on the path set before me.

So, “I may not know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” 

So maybe all the paths lead to one grand path. Maybe I am at a crossroads where the first big decision will feel like I’m stepping off a cliff in the Grand Canyon. Maybe I do know where I’m going I just don’t know how to get there. Confused at how everything will flow into one another. But I know one thing, I want to be my own boss, set my own schedule, make a difference in this world, and leave behind a legacy.

So again the mass jumble of thoughts in my head must be spilled out on paper for me to see the connecting points. Yet this still does not eliminate the fear that is swelling at the pit of my stomach or stops the anxiousness that is trying “beat” the clock of life. You see this clock tells me that my time is up once I get out of my twenties. Crazy, right? It whispers that once I get out of my twenties I’ll be average, and ev eryone will be doing what I’m doing. You see I want to be this kind of young prodigy…who blows the odds and does wonderful things at such a young age. So I guess that my mind is telling me that once I step out of my twenties I will have failed. A complete face plant fail.

But I know that is not the case, I just have to somehow signal to my flesh and my brain that there is no ultimate finish line at the end of my twenties that prevents me from creating beautiful tapestries from the spools of thread God has placed in my hands . Unlike Forest Gump I won’t stop running…I will keep running with such fervor such determination, that my legs won’t want to stop. My legs strengthen from the marathons I ran in my twenties, will carry me forward, propelling me into the depths of my future and my hope in Christ.

So, “I may not know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”  I’m on my way to MY future that will look exactly how God planned it and will probably look nothing like the visions my eyes have cast upon the screen of my life; eyes that have drunk everyone else’s dreams & visions, sucking them down into my belly causing me to slowly settle in a shock of hurried anticipation.

But now I breathe those out, releasing and making room for my visions to be nurtured and nourished in the cradle of my belly.  Giving them room to expand, while they bring upon characteristics that change the way I walk, the words that feed me, and my belly… that will be round and full and ready to birth the great seeds that have been planted within me.

So, “I may not know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”   Pregnant with full expectations of what is yet to come.