Its Yours

Written on April 19th 2015. Applies to December 30th 2016

In the past few days, weeks, and months I have been pressed into a space that is uncomfortable. A space that has stirred my atmosphere and left me to swirl slowly into a whirlwind. A space where I am confused  at where I should be going and how I should get there. A space that has slowly uncovered what God desires for me to do: Trust Him with my life.

As I look back on my journey I see the same patterns of my life marked by different days and weeks. A familiar routine that Ive etched in my life:

Placing what I desire to give to God at his feet and carrying the items near and dear to my heart in my own hands. Allowing those items to rest in His hands for quick moments, until my hands crave for the touch and feel of that "thing". A urge that I can but don't resist.

I've written "Its Yours" with pencil in areas that I still desire to control. Areas that I shamefully admit I don't think God can handle. A God who spoke and the Heavens and the Earth were created (Psalm 33:6-9). A God who can do immeasurably more than I can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). But yet my hands still reach for a pencil and begin to erase "Its Yours" and scribble "Its Mine".

But now Ive rubbed a hole in the place where I intended to scribble "Its mine" once again. There's no space for my selfish desires. No place to hold firmly what I yearn to control if I trust God with my life. I've come to the end, and peering through the hole Ive created I know God is on the other side. Waiting, with his arms opened wide to embrace me and take me on a journey I could never plan on my own.

But as I peer through that hole, I feel lost. I've written "Its mine" for so long that I am confused at how to permanently write "Its Yours". I'm confused at how I give over everything: my desires, my goals, my life. What does that look like? What does a surrendered life in Christ look like?

My eyes pull in fear as it tries to focus on the reality of a surrendered life in Christ.

Trust.
Surrender.
His will.

3 lines that erase the trust I have in my flesh, the control that I grab tightly, and the plans Ive created for my life.

I lose it all.

And that is what grips me. Losing it all. Losing my dreams and my desires for his sake. But his word says that He is for me (Psalm 56:9). He is good and won't withhold any good thing from me (Psalm 84:11). My future is bright in him. (Proverbs 4:18).

I tremble at this thought of losing it all. At the thought of handing God over every piece of my life. Pieces that my spirit knows he will create into something radiant that will forever blow me away. Pieces that will resemble my heart's desires because God knows the depths of my soul and he placed those desires within me.

But yet I still tremble; I still stand before God crying because I desperately want what I want and my flesh screams that He won't provide. My flesh screams that it will take years if I wait on God. It won't be exactly how I want it.

But God.

I don't know what my future holds nor the path I will take to get there.

But God.

I don't know the intricate details of a surrendered life in Christ.

But God.

I'll have to lose it all.

But God is who I will gain.

Through the struggles, through my surrender, through my desperate attempts to take it all back my God will be there. To whisper in my ear that He is greater. He will comfort, guide, rebuke, and reconcile me.  And that's all I need is him.


Luke 5: 4-11
"And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, 'Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.' 5 And Simon answered, 'Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word i will let down the nets." 6 And when they had done this they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. 7 They signaled to their partners int he other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boast, so that they begin to sink. 8 But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus' knees, saying, 'Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.' 9 For he and all who were with hoim were astonished at the catch of fish that they fas taken, 10 and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, 'Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men.' 11 And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him."

Thoughts: And it Makes Breathing Worthwhile

Speaking my dreams into the atmosphere on this snowy Friday I found myself saying "And it makes breathing worthwhile." I paused.

The deepest parts of my core, my soul, when emerge and pressed in the hearts of others, makes taking breaths each day worthwhile. Not curved lips on the face of a man, not leather bags stuffed to capacity hanging off my shoulder, but revealing my core to the world that surrounds me. Releasing radiance and a warming light that kindly whispers amongst a thousand screams: You are Worthy. Today.

Not tomorrow, not last week, but right now in this very moment and every moment. Wherever you are; nestled on the couch with your favorite, sitting alone in your space, talking to a sister with tear stained eyes, right now you have worth. Worth that will spill out, if you let it, and drip liquid gold on the path of your journey. Encasing your walk with such splendor, such glory that your face will lift, beaming, acknowledging the One who lovingly spilled his blood so that you, oh darling you, could hold his precious worth. So carry it daughter, carry it well. Fully own the worth that you get to hold.

And for that I am grateful. Grateful for the words I get to craft to remind daughters & sisters of the worth and value they've been gifted. Grateful that I am able pull sweet air into my lungs and blow out the radiance within.

And so that makes breathing worthwhile….

Think about it, what makes breathing worthwhile for you?

Enter

Unworthy. Unloved. Wretched. Disgusted.

Words that stacked like bricks within the spaces of my soul. 

Words that were heavy, and made imprints on the exterior of my heart, sinking into the depths of my inner being.

Words that placed Berlin walls around the peaceful territories that I ached to experience.

Words that exploded and removed the traces of love and forgiveness that once soothed the pains that racked my body.

Words that formed deteriorating thoughts and flooded my mind to the point where church, a place that holds the presence of Christ, seemed like a space that would shut the doors at my attempt to enter.

A space that would shudder at the sin, shame, and guilt I carried on the back of my small frame.

But yet, those words, those thoughts were no form of intimidation for the space that held the presence of God.

That space was the magnet that my sin, shame, and guilt were attracted to. A magnet that pulled and tugged at the impurities that clung to my soul and begged for release. Begged to carry the weight that brought me low.

And all I had to do was enter with open heart.

Enter and allow the blood of Christ to cleanse, to wipe, to heal, to restore, and to remind. Remind me that I, that you, that we are daughters of Christ.

Enter into the presence of Christ, and see the hands of my Savior crumble bricked stacked words, reversing the imprint that signaled that I was the only force that could remove the sin, shame, and guilt that I was buried within.

Enter into the presence of Christ and watch forgiveness and love flood the wells of my soul.

Enter and be pulled into the embrace of the one who created me, the one who cherishes me, the one who sees the depths of me and craves me just as I am.

Enter dear sister. Enter.

Enter in into the walls of the church. Not just on Sundays but every day you breathe in the breath of life. Every moment you blink and set your eyes on the beauties of God’s creation.

Enter and allow Christ to enter the walls of your soul. The place he wants to make a home.

Enter beloved. He’s waiting.

#walkworthy

Some Days Are like This

So I came to this coffee shop to write. To release the words that are deep within my soul, but all I can think about is the cold that is slapping me in the face and finding its way up my pants leg.
 I thought coffee shops were supposed to be warm and cozy… a place where you settle in and let your mind dance amongst the aromas that linger overhead. This coffee shop lacks all of that, but Ill do what I came here to do: write. A tradition that releases the anxiety that is seemingly always trapped within my bones.

There is something beneath the surface; something that is begging to be unearthed, but I don’t understand what it is. I want it to be released as bad as it does; for the clutter to be disposed of so that Christ can enter in its place. I want to release it all so I can climb higher on the mountain.  Right now it seems as if I’m at the base, looking up with longing eyes to be back where I was… back in the comfort of his presence. Some days are like this. Where it seems like his presence is absent, and I’m just walking in the dark…lonely…desperately wanting to be held by my savior.

Is it a heart issue? Has my deceitful heart swollen?  Filling up the space where God once settled in.

Have I pushed him out through my actions or is he still there, silent waiting for what I might do? I don’t know, but I will fight. I will fight for his presence and remain in his word even though it seems like I’m fighting for something that I’ll never see.

But ill fight anyway - Ill ask for him to puncture my heart to release the dirt, grime and filth that has infected an organ vital for Godly living. I’ll ask him to remove the haughtiness that sends me soaring above others, and teach me to be humble. I’ll ask that he remove everything that I turn to for pleasure, and insert his Word in those places. Ill ask that he help me to die to my life, my ways, and desires so that I may be a vessel for him to use.  I’ll ask that he remove me, so that I may be transformed into a reflection of him. I’ll ask him to dig me deeper into his word; a process that will remove the fleshly power, exposing a spirit submitted to Christ. I’ll ask him to remove the heavy thought that I will arrive here on earth and replace it with an eagerness to experience that in eternity.

Ill fight and press in his word, lift my voice up to him through prayer, and examine his character through his Word.

Some days are like this.

Where the cold smacks me in the face with such a force that I’m tempted to get up and leave, leave my progress for the comfort of what I have always known. Ending up in the same place that I have always been. But today is different; this season is different.

Through the cold I’ll fight, through the cold I’ll push, through the cold I’ll pray, I’ll read, I’ll study, I’ll write, I’ll do whatever it takes to grow and scale that mountain because I know on the other side of that cold is something that I could never imagine.

Same days are like this & I’m thankful because God is pushing me to grow and mature into the beautiful young woman he has created me to be.

So I stand with you sister, in those moments where it seems as though you are in darkness and Christ seems absent. In those moments where your heart aches to be brought deeper into the presence of God, but it seems impossible, because there is nothing pushing you. There is nothing welling up within your spirit pressing you to read, pray, or study.  

God is there –he’s so faithful- he just wants you to take those steps and ascend to another level. So sisters push and speak his word into your soul.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation, and my God.”

Psalm 42: 5

An Unpacking of Sorts

And it happens. The weekend comes to a close and I feel as though I have gotten nothing accomplished. The workweek is about to commence and I have sluggishly wiggled around my to-do list. And here I sit unsatisfied as I look back over the two days I had to myself. Where does it go, I wonder as I sit here and unpack the anxiousness crammed in my soul.

I travel back to Friday where I anticipated a weekend full of accomplishments: articles written, quiet time with God spent, and body rested. But I sit here in a Sunday with empty spaces where check marks should have been. Now with no energy to cook dinner, prepare for Monday, or move from this spot. I find myself here often, in a place that I never intended to be. Frustrated and disgusted with myself because I’ve got nothing to show with this weekend.

I mean how does life work? How am I suppose to spend time with family, work on my hobby, grow my talents, spend time in the word, and rest? Prioritization comes to mind but isn’t all the above important? Shouldn’t it all fit nice and neatly in my week only slightly caressing my weekend, instead of having to cram meetings, appointments, and to-dos into a fleeting 48 hours.  Oh yea and what about laundry.

I mean how does life work? What should it look like? I feel like a marble in a pinball machine being flung from one side to another; having quick reactions, and no true commitments, before I’m off to the next task. Always on the go never able to soak in the moment because time is a factor.

Time; it never stops, except for at work…I think they have some sort of time warp thing installed, who knows. But time, I’m always checking, always counting time spent. Whether I’m at work, on lunch, driving home, cooking dinner, washing my hair, time always accumulates and I always collect it. Collecting it to seemingly place it in the wrong space, causing my gag reflexes to trigger every time a minute is thrown into the abyss of my unprioritized day. There’s that word again, I mean how does it work?

It’s frustrating. I mean how does one meal plan, exercise, eat healthy, go to work, develop a ministry, spend time with God, study the word, and rest? I look up and things have gone unnoticed and slipped in the cracks of yesterday, never to be seen until the deadline smacks me in the face.

I’m trying and it seems when I try the most I fail, and that’s when I feel like giving up. I mean honestly I’m like what’s the point?

But something urges me to keep going, to keep trying, to find my flow in the midst of discord I hear in my eardrums. Something deep within reminds me that I wont get it all right, and it may take a while to find my flow. A flow that will change as I journey throughout the Mondays, Sundays, and all the days in between. But will always be found in the passionate heartbeat of Yahweh. Yahweh who reminds me that HE IS so I don’t have to be.  Yahweh who yearns for me to release so that he can Be. Be first in my life, second and last. So that he can remind me that it wont always look like I envisioned but will work out as long as I allow him to be Yahweh in my life. As long as I remain in his love and obey the sound of his voice he’ll send his strength to my thirsty soul.

A soul that must stay connected in order to see straight and not get lost amongst the details of each passing day.  Connection is key; that is what he speaks to me. Connection to the source who has it all figured out, and all I have to do is release and trust.

So here I am leaning on the support of my Father; starting blindly into a week I know nothing of, but trust that Yahweh is standing in each day, as he is standing with me right now.

Sweet Release

In a world where I devour and crave things, I look around at a life that is overflowing with clothes, bags, and electronics but not enough of Christ. I stuff the space around me with things that are pleasing to the senses, but shy away from those spiritual tools that will strengthen, sharpen, and place me closer to Christ. I cram minutes of the day with Facebook scrolls and email checks, satisfying nothing but the flesh that covers my hungry soul.

In a world where I have plenty my soul lacks, because I give in to the temptation of my flesh. The world is never enough, and my laziness consumes me. Enticing me to inhabit a space that is comforting, but produces no growth.

In a world where I have plenty, people around me lack. Lack the resources, knowledge, and necessities of life.  Lack the encouragement, hugs, and prayers needed in order to move in the right direction.

In a world where I have plenty, others should have plenty. Christ came to give, and that same spirit lives within me.  A spirit that is begging to be let out of the chains that holds it captive. Begging to be released and showered upon the world around me, knowing that joy upon joy will be packed upon me with its release (Proverbs 11:24).  Joy that this world cannot give nor can it take away without my permission.

Joy that comes with a simple release and a surrendered life. A life that is attached to the movement of Christ, wherever He goes my heart, my resources, and my life should follow. 

A surrendered life that seems scary and produces worry when standing with the world. Causing me to hesitate when Christ says a generous person will prosper (Proverbs 11:25), and that my barns and vats will be overflowing and brim over with new wine (Proverbs 3: 9,10).  A surrendered life that seems like I would be falling into the depths of the Grand Canyon with no comforts, no joy or peace.

But Christ is whispering that it won’t be like that. Yes I will have to take a leap of faith, but he’ll be there to catch me. He will be there to inject his joy and peace in the holes that the world and my flesh created.  He’ll be there to lavish me with his love and produce a world that is bursting with his presence. His presence that will never leave me nor forsake me. His presence that will go with me to the ends of the earth, and will wrap me up in his bosom.

A surrendered life. A sweet release.

Gosh I don’t know if you’re struggling like me, or if the Lord is tugging on your heart. But let us be open to what he has for us. He wants more for us. He wants eternity. We can receive some of what he has for us, or we can enter into a life that is overflowing with his goodness. Use some time today to rest in his presence. Open up your heart and take in what he is telling you. Most importantly ask that he would give you an obedient heart and you would say yes to whatever he is telling you to do. Gosh it’s scary. I know. It’s hard. I know. But let us begin to trust God with our life. He hasn’t failed us yet.

What is Christ asking for you to release?

Photo: Mine

Pray sisters. Pray like your heart depends on it (because it does).

I’m praying for you, please pray for me.

If you need specific prayer please send requests to chnlprpst10@gmail.com or pursuedcharlotte@gmail.com

Sweet Mornings

This morning I was woken out of my sleep around 6:58 am, by the incessant alarm of my carbon monoxide detector. The sound prompted me to figure out what was causing the alarm: the battery needing to be changed or truly carbon monoxide. As I proceeded to call the necessary people to ensure that my apartment was free of poisonous gases I headed outside on the balcony.

 The sun was just coloring the horizon and spreading warmth across the city, slowly easing out the lingering coolness. The air was still and full of silence, being pierced here or there with the rumble of a car engine or the delicate chirping of bird. Morning was slowly emerging from the darkness of night and was tranquil yet expectant of what was to come. Creating wide-open spaces, ready to capture whatever might spill from my lips or the thoughts of my heart.

Although my body wished I were still snuggled inside of my bed in the comfort of my cozy apartment, the spirit within knew that a morning of stillness was the “coffee” I needed to energize my day. Mornings of stillness give me space and more importantly time to commune with God. To ask God to help #getmylife before the world attempts to knock me off course and drag me into territories I wasn’t meant for. It’s a time where I can level set and begin the process of tearing down my flesh by slipping on the word.

 

My view midmorning 

Morning: a time for some that is full of grogginess and bouts of sleepiness, is time of meditation and spiritual awakening for me. A time where life’s anxieties and worries aren’t crowding my mind and I can breathe out my thankfulness and draw in the presence of God.

When is your "morning"?

What time do you have throughout the day where you can awaken spiritually and escape from the noise of the world? Is it on your back porch when the sky is encrusted with twinkling lights and crickets create a steady background rhythm? Is it your mid-day run or walk where your eyes can drink in the beauties that blanket the grounds and clutter the sky? Or maybe it’s in the afternoon while resting in a quaint coffee shop swollen with rich aromas.

I encourage you to find that time whenever it is, and protect it. Guard it; ensure that you spend that time with God. He desires to communicate with you, and he cant do that unless its you make time for him.